Babe, Do You Want Me to Call You an Ambulance?

Okay, so the title is a tad dramatic, but I’ll get to that in a moment. I shall start today’s tale by telling you I’m sat at Bear’s dining room table, Mac in front of me, his rock music playing in the background. I’m drinking my coffee, tapping away, as happy as a pig in shit. Bear is sat the other side of the table opposite me, and his son is on the couch, who I met two days ago for the first time by the way. It’s pretty epic. Almost like we’ve just fitted together quite nicely. The son is doing school work, Bear is drawing tattoo-stuff, and I’m pretending to be doing some real work. Who knew I could be so … twee?

I made my way to his, a bit of a last-minute decision really, and after two trains, a tube, and an almost-mugging*, I found him at the station and we hopped in a cab to his. Meeting his son was actually a bit of an anti-climax, if I’m honest. He’s a good kid, a really polite kid, and he was super nice to me. I actually quite like the little guy so I was super nice in return. We chatted about gamer-stuff and took the piss out of the “old man” in the room, and it was lovely. Very *not* dramatic.

We ordered takeout and it wasn’t long before his son went off to bed, leaving us alone and frisky on the couch. I’d been counting down the minutes to tear his clothes off since the moment we first reconnected at the station. Have you ever not seen your ‘other half’ for a few weeks, and then when you do see them again, you get those butterflies when you realise exactly how attractive they are to you? That’s what happened. We’d not seen each other in two weeks or so, and when he beamed at me from the other side of the barriers, my stomach flipped, and then flipped a few times more for good measure. He’s not everyone’s cup of tea, but he’s definitely mine. Swoon.

Anyway, getting good and frisky on the couch, I’d already came twice, and I manoeuvred my way up his body to impale myself on his cock which, for the record, was the biggest and hardest I’d ever seen it. That problem we had before? It’s DEFINITELY not around now. I struggled to take him in my mouth … If I’d been blindfolded, I’d have freaked out, thinking another man had entered the room. But it was him, all him, and when I slid myself down him for the first time, I felt the wave of goosebumps erupt all over my skin. He did too. I heard the groan that escaped his mouth, and then I felt his cock. He thrust up into me at the same time as I bobbed down, and the pain I felt … I genuinely thought I might die from it.

“Do you have cramp, babe?”

“No, that just hurt a bit, can we move?”

Move we did, but that didn’t help either. Each thrust felt like it was puncturing something inside me, probably not the sensation he was aiming for. I knew he was close, so I finished him off before lying back on the couch, arms tightly clamped around myself, knees pulled up.

“Babe, are you okay?”

“I’m good, but whatever we did hurt. I’m a tad embarrassed, and in quite a bit of pain, so I’m just going to stay here for a moment. I’m good, I promise.”

Twenty minutes later, I was crawling around on the floor, tears streaming down my cheeks. Whatever we’d done was really hurting, and I even ran to the bathroom to make sure I hadn’t started bleeding. Thankfully I hadn’t, but twenty minutes after that, we were desperately searching around my bags and his new not-yet-unpacked home, looking for some painkillers.

“I can run you a bath?”

“You’re pissing me off. Just find me paracetamol.”

The pain was making me shitty, really shitty, and although I was aware I was taking it out on him for no reason, I just couldn’t stop myself. I wanted to punch him in the balls. I didn’t blame him for the pain, but I wanted him to stop flapping around me. He was making it worse.

“Babe, do you want me to call you an ambulance?”

“No. I’ve found paracetamol in my makeup bag. Can you grab me a drink? Please? Just give me ten minutes. Please?”

Pills popped, I curled up on the couch and he covered me with a blanket. He didn’t say a word, he just say there at my feet, holding my legs, looking over every now and again when he thought I wasn’t paying attention. Within 15-20 minutes, the pain had started to subside and my toes were no longer curling up from the waves of teeth-gritting cramps. When I say it hurt, I mean it really hurt. The only time I’d ever felt pain like that was right after I’d had my LLETZ procedure … which brings me to my next point.

You may remember that I had that whole bad smear / cervical pre-cancer situation a while back? Well … after some … playing around (yes, let’s call it that), I happened to come across a lump that I’m pretty sure wasn’t there before. I visited my doctor who, after a good twenty minutes of rooting around in my vagina decided that she couldn’t find my cervix, then called a nurse, and then another nurse, to try and rectify the situation. Four speculums later (of varying sizes?!?), and a whole manner of positions, not to mention random people’s fingers inside me, we finally found my cervix, at which point she stated the lump didn’t appear to be on my cervix at all, but on my vaginal wall instead. Another referral in hand, I needed to make an appointment to get it checked out, which I promised I’d do.

That was a few weeks (months) back and I’ll be honest, I just haven’t gotten around to it. It feels like just yesterday that I got the all-clear from that, and the mass they found and removed from my bowel, and I’ve only just got my life back on track … after losing my boyfriend, my job, and half my friends too. As well as my sanity and dignity, I must add. I kept putting the appointment off because I just didn’t want to go through it again yet. Well, now I’m freaking out obviously.

I’ve never felt pain quite like I felt after Bear and I fucked, not after sex anyway. It wasn’t particularly vigorous sex, no new positions or anything like that, and bizarrely, it hasn’t hurt since then. And yes, we have had sex. But whatever happened definitely happened. I felt it. Ouch. So now I need to make that appointment. Some people have all the luck, eh?

But Bear and I – we’re fine. Well, we had a minor penis problem again after he watched me roll around the floor in agony, but I think we might be over that now. The poor guy just can’t catch a break. We finally sort out the floppy-cock issue, and now I can’t take it. It’s so disappointing, especially when you consider that he’s been waiting a while to get a raging boner quite like that, as have I for that matter. And I’m not just talking hard, I’m talking the hardest I. Have. Ever. Seen. It. Huge, hard, and simply divine.

But yeah, it hurt. He got a raging boner and I just couldn’t handle it. And now I’ve got to go back to the vagina whisperer again. The very thought of that all over again fills me with dread. But then again, so does the very thought of being bent over in agony, rolling around on the floor again.

I’ll book the appointment tomorrow. I promise.

And ladies – if you’re overdue your smear, get right on it. No excuses.